Demetri Martin makes me laugh.

some jokes:

The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever cause glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.


“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”


“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”