I am a sorry excuse for an exerciser. I was the one in gym class walking the mile run. Or making grass haystacks. Or braiding somebody's hair. Or actually... Hightailing it over to the Merkley's house, who shared a backyard with my school. I'm pathetic. And I have always been out of shape. I love ice-cream. and I love sitting. And I don't love strenuous workouts. But all of that negativity aside, I have begun to turn over a new leaf. I have lost about 20 pounds in the past few years and am trying now more than ever to become -not necessarily skinny (though I wouldn't be hatin' that)- but HEALTHY. It actually feels good. Who would have thought?

But this was TOO much. I am crying just reliving the experience I am about to share with you.

Sniffle. Deep breath. Ok...

On Saturday I awoke early. For some reason I thought, this is the day. This is the day I begin a workout routine. I bounded out of bed (and became immediately lightheaded) and said aloud to a few stuffed animals and pictures of estranged friends: Today I will go to Pilates! Nobody responded, but that didn't stop me. Nothing would stop me now. Not today.

Oh crap. Where is my Yoga mat? It's gotta be somewhere....Among cobwebs, no doubt. No problem, I shall borrow one from my landlord...For nothing will stop me today! And on I went.

When I arrived at the gym, I noticed nobody else was holding yoga mats. Hmmmm, perhaps I haven't worked out in so long that they no longer use them for Pilates? Probably. I slyly put away my mat and copied the other peeps in gearing up with two towels and a water bottle.

Who would ever need 2 towels? This was my first sign that something was amiss.

Suddenly the door opened and the women were all ushered in.... Women started setting up their step benches, and I realized I was not in a Pilates class. I set up my bench in what I thought was the very back row. No biggie, I thought. I can handle a silly step class.

Wait, why is that woman putting 4 blocks under her bench? And that one, and her too? And OMG... The stage is this way, I am front row center!

....This is when I noticed the lack of flab in the room. In fact...The only flab in the room seemed to be hangin' off of yours truly.

Oh crap, oh crap, OH CRAP.

And then I heard the instructor shout this "HEY LADIES! WHO IS GONNA BE THE ENVY AT YOUR THANKSGIVING TABLE!" ...And in unison "WE ARE!!!!!"

Oh my gosh, I am gonna die.

And for the next hour, I died.

My instructor at one point said something like "Looks like we have a new girl!" to which I replied "I thought this was Pilates" There was an uproar of laughter and I heard her respond "OH HONEY!!!"

And let me just tell you this: After class, I collapsed on the ground. And I haven't moved since. And I may never move again.